Prisoners of Our Own Perceptions

There are nuggets of truth that come to us after we've walked around on this earth a while and bothered to pay a little bit of attention to what is going on. I believe such insight is the result of repeated experiences that are usually rich in failure but result in life learning. If you recognize any of these, please comment on them and give an example. Here is the first installment in a short list of my "life lessons".

“Prisoners of our own Perceptions”

"WE ARE PRISONERS OF OUR OWN PERCEPTIONS" - yes we are...we can only see through the window created by our own unique set of life experiences. We can feel compassion for others, but we can never really "know" what it is like to be them. I can only see life through my own filter...factors that certainly color my perceptions like these:

"I am female, upper middle class, white, of Italian heritage but distinctly American, spiritual, educated, married, a mother/daughter/sister, a best friend, heterosexual, an educator, homeowner, healthy, a "bleeding heart" conservative, an extravert, Californian/Texan/Louisianan, brunette, short", etc. etc

....the list is endless! And I cannot divorce myself from those qualities and characteristics that are as ingrained in me as a tiger's stripe. They determine how I perceive the world. I do not know what it is like to grow up in a third world country, or be Asian, or male, or illiterate, or tall, or homeless, or handicapped etc. It is just impossible. It is supposed to be impossible. That is what makes life so interesting. We all live distinctly different and unique lives...experiences that only we can truly appreciate. That is what makes every person on this planet such a valuable human resource - that ability to look at something in a completely different way. It makes each individual special and is the source of all human creativity. It is a precious gift. But it is also a curse.

I first started building this life lesson in high school when I read the book "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou. I realized then that reading about something and really knowing the fullness of the experience are two completely different things. It’s kind of like the idea of wearing a blindfold for 15 minutes and thinking you know what it is like to be blind, or rolling around in a wheelchair and knowing what it is to be a paraplegic. My frustration with this whole idea began then, with that book. But do we then have permission to adopt the position of,” Well, you just don't get it, so why bother even trying to explain who I am and what I am going through"? No. I am thankful that Maya Angelou graciously painted that vivid picture of prejudice for me...I am thankful for anyone who understands that it is always the responsibility of individuals to articulate who they are. I sometimes hate doing it, because the immature, ego centric part of me wants to revert to the childish notion that those close to me should be able to anticipate my needs and meet them if they REALLY loved me...but NO ONE can know what it is like to be me...NO ONE. It is my responsibility to tell others what I need, where I hurt, what makes me laugh...WHY I do the things I do. Expecting anyone outside of yourself to just intuitively "know" what you need is futile. We must learn to humble ourselves and explain, again and again, through our actions or yes, our words when necessary, who we are. And when we do that, then and only then can we assume some measure of control in the perception process.

Here's an example of what I mean. I learned this by teaching reading and writing to college freshmen. When reading a sentence like, "The man sat under the tree", a sentence so devoid of any description, the reader is left to his own perceptions. The "tree" in my head, for example, or the concept for my "tree" is always a huge cherry tree, thick with pink blossoms. It is the tree in the front yard of the house across the street from where I grew up in California. I don't know why my brain always refers to that tree, but that is the "default" image in my head. Same thing with "man"...I have a generic default image for that too. My “man” is always thin, tall, with dark hair, black pants, white long-sleeved shirt, pale skin, clean-shaven, etc. It’s always the same man...amazing, huh? And even "sitting" has a distinct look in my brain. The man in my head is leaning back on my cherry tree with his knees up, feet flat on the ground, arms at his side. (Not a very comfortable looking position I must admit!) So without those important details from the author, I assumed control of the image. The author relinquished power to control that image by not providing concrete, sensory details, like "tall pine tree" or "disheveled, gray-haired homeless man". Get it? Try it yourself with words like "house" or "grandmother" or even less concrete concepts like "freedom". It is amazing how easily we gravitate toward our own preconceived notions of things. So, this proves to me that it becomes my responsibility to give out and get as much information as possible

Jerry Springer has almost ruined things for me. He and his "guests" personify the opposite of being able to really know what another human being is going through. They are content to perpetuate every kind of stereotype and reinforce negative communication skills that actually hinder the process of true understanding. I have learned that shouting leads to shutting down which demotes the would-be learner to the role of spectator, which STOPS the education process dead in its tracks. So sad...but I am not discouraged yet. I go on, knowing that the task is difficult, but the alternative is unacceptable. (Do you imagine any of those people on Springer are any happier, healthier or more compassionate after the show is over?) Hopefully, those unique set of life experiences I have had, experiences that have given me a love for others, will lead me to the compassion I need to live peaceably among my fellow earth dwellers. But I am so limited in my understanding and I know that everyday, I miss opportunities to make this world a better place because of it.

So I remain a prisoner of my own perceptions, but knowing that seems to make me all the more determined to free myself. And it's the process, the journey to understanding that is important, right? Which by the way, is life lesson #2 ("The Journey is the Reward")...a life lesson about valuing the process, not the end product...to be continued my friends.