Everyone Looks Good From Far Away

"Everyone Looks Good From Far Away"

There's an interesting expression used by Alicia Silverstone in a silly but oddly profound movie from the ‘90’s called "Clueless". Alicia’s character “Cher“ often calls people "Monets", referencing the painter who uses impressionism with its blurred brushstrokes and muted pastels to make paintings that can't be figured out if you stand too close to them. So a “Monet” is someone who looks good from a distance, but up close, is a big mess. Well, this phenomenon happens all the time. You get too close to someone and it gets hard to see what attracted you to them to begin with because they no longer resemble the person you saw when you first met them.

But observing the details up close is what makes you really able to appreciate the fact that no one is perfect - you see the blemishes and the scars and the chipped teeth and the crooked toes and the wrinkles and grey roots. The details are where we learn the most about a person. Anyone can look good from a distance...it's all illusion...you can still superimpose your own ideals onto the person. But then, you are just stuck with your own perceptions, never able to learn something new or perhaps see the world through someone else's eyes.

It's a nasty business - knowing another person. It's even trickier letting yourself be known by others. But knowing another human being and being known is the highest form of intimacy. It satisfies that emptiness deep inside of us that yearns for ultimate fulfillment; to be loved for who we are, not what someone else wants us to be. It is the ultimate form of validation, of complete acceptance, and ultimately, of LOVE, for we cannot love what we do not know. We cannot know what we do not open ourselves to. It just doesn't work that way.

So walk up to the painting...stop admiring it from afar, look closely at the brushstrokes, the dust, the globs of unblended oils. It will only serve to shatter your illusions of perfection and exterminate the narcissism that keeps you "the expert" by only seeing things the way you want them to be. Passing by a work of art and gazing upon its beauty is enough for some. But brave is the person who can walk up to something that appears beautiful from a distance, see it up close, and let the stark reality of the object, in all of its fragility and flaws, still garner all the love it once knew before it was really known.

Gilding the Lily

“Gilding the Lily”

I have spent a lot of my life "beautifying" things...my work and home spaces, roommates in college...I always seem to be the queen of the "makeover". It is a joke in my family that if you stand still long enough in my house, you will either get spray painted to match my decor or get something hot glued to you or glittered! I have always been confident in this ability to take something in its natural state and make it more noticeable by glamming it up. Sometimes it can be a good thing...it gets people and places noticed that otherwise might not have been. I like doing that, especially if it is something "worthy" of getting a second look, or even a first one, as some cases may be. But my "gift" may need to be tamed.

I remember doing one of my famous makeovers on a roommate in graduate school who saw herself as an ugly duckling. She had so much inner beauty that I just wanted her outside to match what I got to see every day. So I helped her conform to the world's standard of attractiveness. She got a dose of golden highlights in her hair and a flattering haircut, I plucked those unruly eyebrows, gave her some glowing skin and makeup to bring out the green in her eyes. A little lip gloss, some jeans that actually fit her and a pair of 3 inch heels to give her short frame a bit more stature. I sprayed her down with some designer perfume and sent her on her way, confident that everyone would appreciate the new and improved version. And yes, she did become more confident, stylish and could give people more than two seconds of full-on eye contact. But....but....somehow I couldn't help but wonder if I had done the right thing.

There is an expression about "gilding the lily"...taking something naturally beautiful and adding unnecessary embellishment to make it artificially enhanced. Lilies of the field, so clean and white, graceful and simple in their design need no interference from man to enhance their beauty. They stand as a testament to the kind of perfection only found in nature. A five year old in a beauty pageant, with pounds of makeup, a fake tan and lame’ outfits looks nothing like a child on the playground, with naturally flushed cheeks and tousled hair. But I imagine it is man's instinct to try to improve upon God's creations that makes him feel creative, god-like. We can't really "make" something from nothing, so we must be content to try to improve upon that which is already here. Perfumed silk roses hardly smell like those long stemmed beauties that grew along the side of my yard in California. Lemon Pledge doesn't smell anything like a real lemon and cherry soda doesn't even come close to the taste of the dark, burgundy berries I love to eat. But we keep trying to improve upon and replicate perfection. Thanks to the likes of Paris Hilton and Dr. 90210, we must constantly strive to be young and fashionable like the rest of the trend setters in Hollywood and in the American media.

I was in Las Vegas and California last week. In Vegas, there was the constant juxtaposition of the neon palaces against the purple and peach desert sky. The glitter and lights, testaments to man's technological ability to turn natural materials into man-made creations were seen against a backdrop of low, bare hills, lone trees and grainy desert sand. They stood silently in the background, reminding me that they were there first. I realized how much I have missed the natural beauty so abundant in the west. In southern California there were the rounded outlines of the foothills in the background of each vista, the water colored streaked sky at sunset, the shots of fuchsia, goldenrod, purple and sunny yellow flowers blooming over fences and tenderly landscaped into small gardens. I realized that I had tried to recreate that beauty in the flat greenness of my Louisiana yard...mounds of soil heaped up to look like hills and valleys, flowers and plants in the hues I knew as a child. Even failed attempts at planting citrus and cherry trees, snapdragons and succulent plants. But looking like California isn't quite "being" California. And in the process, all of the natural beauty of a verdant Louisiana landscape looks oddly tampered with, like that painted up baby in the beauty pageant or my radiant roommate who needed no help from Maybelline.

I have come back determined to love people, places and things in their natural states, resisting the temptation to interfere, overdo. As I and the people and things around me age, it is probably not politically correct to reject the idea of letting nature take its course. But seeing things as they are is something this teacher, professionally trained to see the "possibility" and "potential" of one thing  transformed into something else, must practice more often. It will help to anchor me in the here and now and maybe even give that need to redesign every little thing in my life to look the way I want it to a much needed rest!

Prisoners of Our Own Perceptions

There are nuggets of truth that come to us after we've walked around on this earth a while and bothered to pay a little bit of attention to what is going on. I believe such insight is the result of repeated experiences that are usually rich in failure but result in life learning. If you recognize any of these, please comment on them and give an example. Here is the first installment in a short list of my "life lessons".

“Prisoners of our own Perceptions”

"WE ARE PRISONERS OF OUR OWN PERCEPTIONS" - yes we are...we can only see through the window created by our own unique set of life experiences. We can feel compassion for others, but we can never really "know" what it is like to be them. I can only see life through my own filter...factors that certainly color my perceptions like these:

"I am female, upper middle class, white, of Italian heritage but distinctly American, spiritual, educated, married, a mother/daughter/sister, a best friend, heterosexual, an educator, homeowner, healthy, a "bleeding heart" conservative, an extravert, Californian/Texan/Louisianan, brunette, short", etc. etc

....the list is endless! And I cannot divorce myself from those qualities and characteristics that are as ingrained in me as a tiger's stripe. They determine how I perceive the world. I do not know what it is like to grow up in a third world country, or be Asian, or male, or illiterate, or tall, or homeless, or handicapped etc. It is just impossible. It is supposed to be impossible. That is what makes life so interesting. We all live distinctly different and unique lives...experiences that only we can truly appreciate. That is what makes every person on this planet such a valuable human resource - that ability to look at something in a completely different way. It makes each individual special and is the source of all human creativity. It is a precious gift. But it is also a curse.

I first started building this life lesson in high school when I read the book "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou. I realized then that reading about something and really knowing the fullness of the experience are two completely different things. It’s kind of like the idea of wearing a blindfold for 15 minutes and thinking you know what it is like to be blind, or rolling around in a wheelchair and knowing what it is to be a paraplegic. My frustration with this whole idea began then, with that book. But do we then have permission to adopt the position of,” Well, you just don't get it, so why bother even trying to explain who I am and what I am going through"? No. I am thankful that Maya Angelou graciously painted that vivid picture of prejudice for me...I am thankful for anyone who understands that it is always the responsibility of individuals to articulate who they are. I sometimes hate doing it, because the immature, ego centric part of me wants to revert to the childish notion that those close to me should be able to anticipate my needs and meet them if they REALLY loved me...but NO ONE can know what it is like to be me...NO ONE. It is my responsibility to tell others what I need, where I hurt, what makes me laugh...WHY I do the things I do. Expecting anyone outside of yourself to just intuitively "know" what you need is futile. We must learn to humble ourselves and explain, again and again, through our actions or yes, our words when necessary, who we are. And when we do that, then and only then can we assume some measure of control in the perception process.

Here's an example of what I mean. I learned this by teaching reading and writing to college freshmen. When reading a sentence like, "The man sat under the tree", a sentence so devoid of any description, the reader is left to his own perceptions. The "tree" in my head, for example, or the concept for my "tree" is always a huge cherry tree, thick with pink blossoms. It is the tree in the front yard of the house across the street from where I grew up in California. I don't know why my brain always refers to that tree, but that is the "default" image in my head. Same thing with "man"...I have a generic default image for that too. My “man” is always thin, tall, with dark hair, black pants, white long-sleeved shirt, pale skin, clean-shaven, etc. It’s always the same man...amazing, huh? And even "sitting" has a distinct look in my brain. The man in my head is leaning back on my cherry tree with his knees up, feet flat on the ground, arms at his side. (Not a very comfortable looking position I must admit!) So without those important details from the author, I assumed control of the image. The author relinquished power to control that image by not providing concrete, sensory details, like "tall pine tree" or "disheveled, gray-haired homeless man". Get it? Try it yourself with words like "house" or "grandmother" or even less concrete concepts like "freedom". It is amazing how easily we gravitate toward our own preconceived notions of things. So, this proves to me that it becomes my responsibility to give out and get as much information as possible

Jerry Springer has almost ruined things for me. He and his "guests" personify the opposite of being able to really know what another human being is going through. They are content to perpetuate every kind of stereotype and reinforce negative communication skills that actually hinder the process of true understanding. I have learned that shouting leads to shutting down which demotes the would-be learner to the role of spectator, which STOPS the education process dead in its tracks. So sad...but I am not discouraged yet. I go on, knowing that the task is difficult, but the alternative is unacceptable. (Do you imagine any of those people on Springer are any happier, healthier or more compassionate after the show is over?) Hopefully, those unique set of life experiences I have had, experiences that have given me a love for others, will lead me to the compassion I need to live peaceably among my fellow earth dwellers. But I am so limited in my understanding and I know that everyday, I miss opportunities to make this world a better place because of it.

So I remain a prisoner of my own perceptions, but knowing that seems to make me all the more determined to free myself. And it's the process, the journey to understanding that is important, right? Which by the way, is life lesson #2 ("The Journey is the Reward")...a life lesson about valuing the process, not the end product...to be continued my friends.

The Power of Preferences

                                                 VS.

I found myself telling someone what I now think might be a very stupid thing to say..."You can't help who you fall in love with." I was trying really hard to explain that our feelings sometimes just ARE, and that we have these chemical reactions that quite often are simply out of our control. That might not be true though...

People and places and things come into our lives and can either madden or melt us. I can't really explain it. I often don't know why I respond to one object or person or place with complete and unselfish affection, but I do. I have "favorites" all the time...natural attractions that cannot be helped. And then, I will just as easily find myself repelled by something else. What is that chemistry, that natural attraction or dislike we get? It annoys me because I have such a high need for harmony in my life that I want to like everything and everybody. I just can't "turn on" something that isn't there. And equally, I can't just "turn off" something that is. Or can we?

Let's start with material objects. I walk through a store, see thousands of items, lock in on a few that I immediately respond to, and then find that one item I just have to have. It meets some unknown set of requirements in my brain that make it a necessity, something I want to make a part of my life, to own. I will know within 30 seconds if I prefer the larger Prada bag over the smaller one. I am a sucker for picture frames, decorative pillows, gold lamps and woven baskets. I don't know why. And if anything is metallic or in my favorite shade of Baker-Miller pink, it usually ends up in my car. Go figure! I swear I am so fleur de lis crazy these days that if I saw a toilet seat cover with a black and gold fleur de lis on it, I might have to have it! I can't explain why I prefer light wood over dark, baths over showers, Michael Buble' and Billie Holliday over Beethoven and the Beatles...you get the idea.

And then there are those preferences for places. I love the beach...the BEACH...not the ocean particularly. I like the views and the sunsets, not the creatures swimming out of my sight-line in the water or beneath me in a boat. I am very much a landlubber! Give me a mountain, desert or even forest and I will be happier than on water. I like dry heat, not rain forests...yet another impossible preference that I can't seem to control. I have given up countless great vacations because I don't like the sea. A cruise is a death sentence to me, not a getaway. I would much rather be in a stadium than a sanctuary or a coffeehouse than a bar. These preferences for place never end...they are distinct and push us to be where we feel a certain sense of comfort. Do we have to spend time in places we don't necessarily like? Heck yes! Public restrooms, school cafeterias, airports and my bank drive-thru are places I don't necessarily like to be, but I have found a way to make peace with them because I need to be there. That doesn't mean I have to like them though.

Wow...and then there are the people. There are some people I just cannot help but adore, and others have become an "acquired" taste, kind of like broccoli. You know they are good for you, so you force yourself to have them in your life. Snooty waiters, grumpy salesclerks, know-it-all co-workers and bosses, nosy neighbors, meddling in-laws, pushy parents...you name it, they are there testing your patience. But then there are those that you cannot help but let in! They are just so easily liked because they become a part of your very soul...I hate to say it, but I DO have favorite students, favorite aunts, and favorite cousins. I just can't help but be attracted to them and they know it, for I have little ability to restrain my enthusiasm for them! They refresh me by allowing me to love them unconditionally. I don't have to work hard at all. Let me tell you...they are a blessing. Favorite actors, authors, artists...how can we deny those natural attractions? Well, we don't. And you know what? It's ok!

So do I really believe that we can control those little cravings that creep up on us and dictate who, what and where we will apply our affections? I say that there is much pleasure in giving into your natural preferences and then seeing how well you can accommodate your natural aversions. When I get that little twinge of rejection for someone or something, I notice it. It tells me something about myself. Because sometimes, knowing what you don't like is just as important as knowing what you do! And when I do fall in love with someone or something or someplace, well, let's just say, I DO NOT see much point in fighting it very much, because quite frankly, I'm not very good at it.

Here are a few more things I can't help but love:

"Pastels and poetry…

parties and Pomeranians.

Pasta, not potato chips...

chocolate, not cheesecake.

Fall flowers and football,

then spring rains and baseball games.

Christmas lights, star-filled nights...

a summer breeze...a hearty sneeze.

My children laughing, me dancing –

in my kitchen...all alone

to music in my head.

A warm sidewalk on my bare feet,

and the coolness of crisp linen sheets

as I lay down to sleep.

The smell of baking bread, 
of fresh cut lemons

and barbecue.

The sound of my mother's voice

over the phone when I am far away

and the smell of her perfume 
when I am close to her.

Pink roses and my daughter's blue eyes...

new car smell 
and church bells.

My son's heartfelt hugs,

porcelain mugs…

filled with foamy Cappuccino.

Hazelnut candles,

musical theater…

My sister’s laugh and my father’s hands.

Pearl earrings, new shoes

and little black dresses.

The blowing wind just before it rains

watercolor paintings, a passing train

and a good glass of merlot

with friends."